One day I was suddenly face-to-face with an extraordinary lady I'd bumped into on an internet forum. Lily sat down with me for a brief but interesting skype interview.
Even though Lily uses (probably intentionally) a cheap web cam, her eyes pierce right through me. From a chaos of pixels emerges a laser-like consciousness. When she speaks, her mannerisms could be those of any politician from either extreme. When she pauses, you listen very, very carefully.
What does your typical day consist of?
It is what it is. I am tough.
Have you ever run a marathon?
42,1 kilometers is hardly a challenge. In fact, I've ran distances three or four times as long. There's me and then there are able-bodied people who can't run a single mile these days.
What is your favorite work of art?
I should've known.
You should also feel exalted for this opportunity to interview me.
Have you ever been in love?
I will always be in love with my priorities.
Number one. Survival. Number two. The work.
Can you tell something about your work?
You will know all about it in time, my friend.
You are in fact a native dutchwoman. What is Amsterdam like in your opinion?
Weak, easily exploitable. A city of fools.
You don't sound very patriotic.
My allegiance isn't decided by vote or place of birth.
You have been around the globe several times. Do you have a favorite holiday resort?
I don't take vacations. Give me any dark prison cell in a third world country. Put me in there for a month and I guarantee I'll emerge stronger than ever.
Do you have a motto you live by
I only memorize meaningful information. Not much of a motto, is that.
Have you ever been let down by anyone in life
Never. I take care of business all by myself.
What do you think of the Eurovision song contest?
These contests are a symptom of a disease called complacency.
They say there are no non-smoking women in the Netherlands.
Are you a smoker?
Why would I introduce nearly five hundred types of carcinogens into my system? Also, passive smoking is something I don't take well to.
Do you drink? Do you have any vices?
No. On occasion I've known to eat too much.
Steak tartare, right?
Correct. Either that or raw eggs.
What are you usually thinking about in a crowded bus?
I rarely use public transportation. I prefer to walk. In a crowded bus? I would stay aware of all threats and exits.
Have you ever been assaulted by strangers?
There are some people without fingers and jaws all around the world. You can ask them.
Do you watch movies? Got any recommendations?
I like what they did with the first two Terminators. But the machines were riddled with weaknesses. I guess it was all about humans imparting their stupidity on them.
Do you like James Bond movies?
I don't like the fact that they are trying to distance Mr Bond from his real nature and apologize for his existence. And all this because ”the cold war is over”. War is perpetual. It doesn't care about feelings or labels.
Do you have a license to kill?
(pause) I sold it on eBay.
Do you enjoy socializing?
If it's a part of a task, then I'll commit to it. Without a valid reason, never.
So you never miss the company of other people?
(long silence) Without these other people I would have no purpose. But as for communicating with them, I'd rather talk to my running shoes. Now you may feel extra exalted.
Are you into dancing?
I do have a pleasing sense of rhythm.
What makes you happy?
Completing any meaningful task.
What is pain?
A signal of tissue damage.
Do you have any tattoos?
I have no need to fit in by injecting industrial strength dyes inside my dermis. I have no need to fit in, period. That's very hard to understand for most.
What is the stupidest thing someone has said to you?
Ik hou van jou. ("I love you" in Dutch)
Do you follow any sports?
I run, wrestle, and fight my own sports. Are you aware of what happened right before Rome collapsed?
Bread and games.
Do you think other civilizations from space visit our planet?
If they do, they are not a very inspiring bunch. If you have mastered space travel and you do nothing about atrocious planets like Earth, you are just a made (made means maggot in Dutch).
How is Earth atrocious?
Look back to your fourteenth question (refers to the one concerning the Eurovision contest)
Fair enough. What are you thinking about right now?
Nothing. I am in recovery for a few more minutes. Then its back to work. Today is calf-day.
Do you listen to music?
Only if I have to. I prefer music without words. Consonants are distracting in any environment.
What do you think of video games?
This planet is degenerating rapidly. Whatever distractions they come up with, I choose to ignore.
Are you an only child
(long silence) Yes.
Would you help a lost child?
Do you have a message to your fans?
I don't need you. Any of you.
And so, with a gloriously abrupt ending, my interview with Lily is done. Five minutes later my computer crashed. I found out the entire hard drive had been erased with several military-grade algorithms.